Matrutav

Motherhood is all about doting on one's kid.Or is it ?I have no clue or maybe I would rather have my own take on that.

I scream at my kid for leaving the room in a mess which is almost daily sorry on an hourly basis except when she is at school or asleep.I threaten to run away from all this chaos which is her doing.My parents have been trying to talk me into being more gentle & considerate but I am not able to do that.I wonder why .

One reason could be that I resent just being at home having given up my job & feel that my kid should not be the epicentre of my drab existence.Another could be that I feel that people will chide me & say,"Look,this lady is at home & still the house is always in such a sorry state.Wonder, what the woman is doing throughout the day !"Another cause is that I feel that my hubby escapes from all responsibility & I end up doing all the tedious tasks.

So ,in the end,all my anger & disgust ends up like this- shouting at my kid for being irresponsible & lazy.I often end up giving her a piece of my mind & sometimes she breaks down.I rarely feel guilty but when I do feel,I seldom express it openly.Moreover,I suspect my kid being more of an expert at coercing me & so I let matters rest before I make my next move.

But in spite of all this,I am the one who has refused to send her on tutions against my hubby's wishes as I feel she is too young for that & also I opine that I can also teach her at least till she grows up a little more.I treat her to movies each time her terminal exams are over-this also against my better half's express instructions.I also try to buy new snacks whenever I come across in the market as I hope against hope that a fussy eater like her may find some snack tasty!I also used to tell her bedtime stories till very recently but not now as she seems to fall asleep now as soon as she hits the bed.I also go very easy on her studies as I feel that she should have some fun now as later there will be no choice but studies.

Do I only feel resentful of having to look after my own kid or all moms do ? Or maybe they only deserve to be called moms as they are all forgiving of the antics of the kids? Does no other mother feel the way I feel atleast once if not as many times as me ?I feel I am terribly exhausted at the end of the day especially because of having to keep instructing to do a particular task in a specific way & that too repeating it on an hourly basis.

But maybe,I am also too blame partly-perhps my kid does all this to seek attention as she sees her mom too occupied with housework ,gossiping with friends,having a nap or just idling away.But I do feel that I should also have some time to do what destresses me -so am I guilty ? I think so -I am sure,my hubby has told me to cool down & talk in a calm voice to the kid.But then,it is so very easy to preach than practice.

My daughter will understand me better as she grows up to be a woman.Even now,as she hugs me & sleeps I know,she has accepted me with my flaws & forgiven me for the day .