Sunday, March 28, 2010


All my rangoli patterns are free hand.I have been unable to learn the dot pattern based rangolis.

Saturday, March 27, 2010


The one question which has perplexed me for quite some time is "Why ME  ?"The result is that ,I constantly harbour negative thoughts about myself & my life.

My father says that this is all a result of past karma.But then, how does one reconcile this with another thought which states that both hell & heaven are on this earth only -meaning that there will be extreme misery & everlasting  joy  depending on our behavior being bad & good. My mother opines, that, I am very fortunate as others have seen & undergone worse. She is right, but, I fail to appreciate my bundle of sorrows  which is light as a feather compared to others who are cursed to a life of abject poverty,absolute loneliness,etc.Some are so sick that they remain bedridden for life .I am lucky, as I have, never suffered any of these & still, keep harping on my supposed miseries.

But, I persist in my view, that, fate has been unkind to me.I had to give up a job which was very comfy -being in Public Sector .Moreover,I was an officer, not a clerk.I had acquired technical qualifications so that, I get the required promotions.I was an okay officer-obedient & sincere but I had to quit .I have tried to come to terms with this, but, to no avail.

I have taken up writing but met with hardly any success.I also cook with a passion but the problem is that there is hardly anyone to appreciate the dishes.My kid is too young & fussy to eat the dishes .My hubby is travelling 24x7 & so is unable to relish any of my culinary forays.The outcome is, that, I have to taste my food & though ,they turn out to be edible ,I end up eating them for days.Moreover,I believe in zero wastage.I feel guilty of being a non -  earning spouse & do my bit for saving.

I draw rangolis for my bi-weekly pujas of Ganpati & Lakshmi .I also have taken up chanting of slokas in Sanskrit,as also verses in Marathi & Hindi.This ,I feel may please the Almighty to at least  turn in my direction if not bless me.But looks like my rangolis are only being tolerated by the Gods because if they expressly told me so,that would mean that I am a true devotee.I am just doing all this to fight my acute loneliness.If my act of praying , drawing rangolis conveys any form of  prayaschit ,then all the more better. So far,I have drawn a blank.

I have talked to my hubby umpteen times to opt for a job wherein his touring will be minimised but he is in love with his job & won't budge.I have tried to drown myself in other housework like dusting,cleaning,sewing buttons,etc but still, I feel, the days are pretty long not only in summer but throughout the year.

My hubby suggested, that I take up some course but again my sense of economics  forbids me from taking up such options.Moreover,I feel that ,once I join a course,my expectations will rise further & just end in frustration leading to depression.I already think, I am more qualified than my ex-colleagues, who are still on their jobs . I am only a home maker now.I really fail to understand any justice in this .This has made God a bitter idol for me in many instances.But then,I feel afraid, that my attitude  may distance me from him all the more than ever before & I start praying once again.

I wish, that, I could feel positive about the things I  have got instead of lamenting.I am in good health in my forties which is a gift bequeathed by the Almighty  .Moreover,I am on attendance for my kid throughout & am delighted to see her growing up.Also,I am able to read,write,pray ,cook et al which many may not be able to do because of paucity of time  & or for other reasons.

I also have developed better observational skills now, that, I am at home .I have also steadily improved my sense of appreciation of all things, however, small they are.On second thoughts,I have a feeling , that God wants me to realise all this as my prayashchit is underway.I am glad, that, I have been given a chance for atonement of my sins-past & present.This just symbolizes that all is not lost , not yet !

I have also started praying afresh as now,I pray to God to just let me undergo whatever life has in store for me .whatever be the consequences.

Monday, March 22, 2010


These are patterns wherein the base is a triangle or a trikon.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Bosses & Colleagues.

Bosses are intimidating & colleagues are co workers.But not necessarily so .Sometimes,bosses are better than friends & co-workers worse than enemies.

I had a colleague who was very IT savvy .I was a novice in the suburban office.It was this  guy, who taught me all that was to learn about IT .This led to a lot of heated exchanges with others in the office who opined that he was favoring me over them for no reason.My parents went abroad & my daughter was kept in creche .I was thinking aloud about taking a long leave from office.My colleague stated that he will create conditions so that I could leave office at the dot to be with my daughter.He also told me that he will arrange for medical certificates in case,no one was ready to oblige me in emergencies.It was only due to his assurance that I attended office regularly till my parents returned as my colleague fully supported me as promised.

As against this,my boss then, in that office was a short tempered person who wanted all his staff to be workaholics. .He used to have a set of keys of the safe box wherein all the daily cash collected by the office as insurance premium was kept .I used to have another set of the same keys in my capacity as the in charge of the safe.Once,my daughter fell ill.I rang up my boss to inform that I will be taking off as my kid was unwell.I requested him to bring his set of cash keys to office.He started screaming on the phone itself & told me that he will not look for his set of keys & that it was my duty to get  the safe keys to  office.I somehow managed to get the set of keys delivered to office through my hubby but this episode left a  very bitter taste.

In the same office,some of my lady co workers would work overtime & expect my department  to close down the office including taking backup of the IT work.We tried to tell them that they either wind up early or learn to do back up operations but they always feigned that they were too overloaded to look into all these trivial issues .Moreover,our boss always supported them, as they, worked in departments where palms were always greased to allow  lubrication.This always led to situations wherein I was in office as late as dinner time along with a peon for company who always bored me with stories of ghosts of ex-staff members stalking the office !

In the city office,I had another boss who was very empathetic.As I was transferred to another city,he was sympathetic & goaded me to continue in service.He also came to my residence to deliver a certificate to facilitate my absence from work.He was terribly upset when I tendered in my resignation.I had hardly any options left as  my paid leave was being denied & sick leave needed to be certified.I felt, that I was misusing the goodwill of my ex-boss for my selfish need of medical leave .Moreover,my new boss was leaving no stone unturned to insult  me day in & day out.This I was unable to handle & hence,I gave up the job.My new colleagues had just begun knowing me & fully supported me but fate had other plans.

 I have fond memories of peons   who would take up cudgels on my behalf in front of superiors.I can also recall that some  bosses   tried to shift me because they wanted to settle some scores among themselves.In short,some bosses & colleagues are occupational hazards while other bosses & co workers  are like the icing on the cake !

Monday, March 15, 2010


The base is a modified square -sides are  arched .Then a pattern is woven around in both the cases.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The burden of obligations.

I am residing at my brother's house since the last five to six years .Though I pay rent I feel obliged & burdened by that .One reason is that the rent is not based on market rate.Another is that if this house was rented out to someone else,it would have fetched my brother a handsome market rent.Moreover,my sibling may have decided to stay put in another town as he did not want to disturb my place of dwelling .I am not willing to shift as my daughter's school is conveniently located to this flat.Another reason is my deep sense of insecurity of losing friends & neighbours with whom I have got accustomed.I think at this stage in my life ( I am in my mid forties ) ,I won;t be able to start from the beginning of acquainting strangers,  befriending them & them maintaining relations with them thereafter.Actually,I want to stay here & still want that I should be free from any feelings of guilt as well.I want to have the best of everything at others cost !

Any activity -physical & mental strains & stresses me no end so much so, that, I am trying to lessen my phone conversations & personal contacts.I rarely ring up my ex-colleagues,friends,relatives unless it becomes imperative.This is economical in these days of high inflation.Moreover,I am also doing my bit to save this way.This frees me somewhat from this sense of duty to my hubby  since I am no longer earning now.My debt has weighed me down very  much & continues to grow on a  daily basis .The result is that I try to save wherever & whenever I can.I try to walk short distances & would have walked even longer ones but for the fact that my daughter would disagree to walk besides me.Moreover,I try to minimise use of power,water,food etc. But the feeling of guilt that I am only  spending whatever my husband is working hard never leaves me.His assurances to lessen  my thrift to live in comfort have had no effect on me.

My parents have helped me in many innumerable ways & now also when they offer to assist me,I get petrified.I feel that my acceptance of their generous offers will burden me all the more & then I have to behave in a certain way.I am not at all conscious of what I have accepted with the result that my attitude may lead to pain .They may be left wondering as to what they have done to deserve all this.

This is a feeling I get every now & then whenever anyone even offers to support me.They may be relatives,friends,acquaintances etal but I feel uncomfortable.One reason being that I may never bee able to return the favour leading to heartburn.Another, is I feel, highly indebted to such persons .Then I have to always keep that in mind that they had stood by me in my hours or days or maybe months or even years of need.This baggage is very cumbersome to carry as I age.

Moreover some will try to remind us all too often that they have helped us & how, with the minutest details.This is because, they believe, that, all whom they magnanimously aided  forget easily ( if not done so already).These reminders just add to the enormity of the burden of duty towards these people.It is true, that very often, after we have fought with the people who helped us before or have some differences with such people,we very easily forget their good deeds done for us.But still,I feel ,they should refrain from reminding us -however subtle.At least,we can rest with lesser weight of obligation on our heads.

It is said, that, even strangers help us in times of need & similarly God will give us a chance to assist others.The people who helped us may not be the same to whom we may offer assistance is also said to be a fact. Maybe, that's why I have rarely favoured anyone.No,don't get me wrong-I am trying to be fair & just.I don't want anybody obliged to me for a lifetime ( their's or mine ? ) for having supported them or even offered to do so .

But for all I know,people may still feel gratuitous- for, I am doing my best, not to burden them.But God seems to have understood my predicament as I have not felt any such feelings for the Almighty .On second thoughts,maybe it was God only, in these instances ( whenever anyone supported me ) who got me to overcome so many hurdles ! Nah,not that again-please spare me your debt , my Lord !

Monday, March 8, 2010

International Women's day

Today, is that day of the year, again when we all celebrate womanhood.It is worth noting that there is a need to recognise the many facets of females only one day every year -it is as if it has been thurst on all mankind nah on all of us ! Just goes to show that we go about our daily lives being indifferent about the pitiable condition of women.So,we have one day when we say all good things about ladies to forget or better still do all that we can so that women remain at the bottom of the social ladder.

This year finally the Women's reservation bill may become law.But does this mean that women will have better laws,better conditions in a patriarchal society as ours ? Maybe yes & maybe no. Yes,some women who are truly representative of the females in our society will strive harder in Parliament to make conditions better .There will be many others who will be just representing their husbands,sons,fathers,etc in Parliament & will have no voice of their own.Moreover,one women ruling the nation does not mean that all women have been liberated.If this was so,all the Indian women would have gone places as we had a woman as the Prime Minister at the roost for so many years.Now,also we have a woman not as the Prime Minister but as the King Maker but witness how even she has to crack a whip for presence of her MPs for the  passage of the Women's bill.But as something is better than nothing,this bill is worthy .

A lot of schemes supposedly  to  benefit women  will be announced by all -the government,the private sector et all only to be forgotten tomorrow as we all have very short  memories ,especially the men .If all such plans had really been implemented as declared,we would all have been in a better condition by now.This just proves that there is no follow up or even if there is ,it is all half hearted.

Crimes against women are on the rise-especially rape,trafficking,prostitution etc .For this,the police need to be sensitvised but nothing is being done.Girls as small as nine years old are being raped,molested & sold off all over our nation. But we all turn a blind eye.The least we can do is report any of our suspicious about a child being trafficked to the authorities.But the authorities must also be empathetic & not make the complainant pay for lodging a complaint.

Women's day is basically an urban phenomena.There are millions of women in rural areas who have no idea of this.So,they continue to do as they work daily like walking longer more than yesterday for fetching water & fuel for keeping the home fires burning.They also work for wages lesser than men in the fields.Moreover,they work at home as well.Today only a survey reported in Hindustan Times reveals that more than half of men want the woman only to do cooking in addition to earning .No,this doesn't shock any female.This just confirms our suspicions that men will remain always MCPs.

For the women who are extremely poor ,adivasi women,handicapped,deserted,divorced,raped,this day of March has no significance.So,the only option for us is to help another female on any day or assist in whatever way we can so that we can all  survive as a team.Womanhood will then be all about sisterhood.

Friday, March 5, 2010


I have drawn a pentagon & then a pattern.The mistakes are very clear.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Eavesdropping ? !

I was looking after grievances of customers at the city office.We had some medical practitioners who would scrutinize the health related complaints & advise us on further action.One of the doctors whom we consulted on a weekly basis was already on the panel with our registered office.He used to come  to the Head Office on a daily basis one hour before closing time.He would also look up staff who were sick or do a routine check up if the staff went up to him.Generally,the files were carried by our peons & delivered to this doctor with a note requesting him to advise us on the grievances of the complainants.Sometimes, in rare instances,I would carry the files to meet the doctor face to face to explain the problems we were having in those  cases.This was so, as our peons opined that they had the right nah the license to carry  papers,files,folders etal & thereby earn taxi fare as conveyance.This was quite amusing as the staff knew that all went by walk but claimed taxi fare to augment their meagre  incomes.This is  understandable for the people at the bottom but even Managers & above also take this conveyance issue seriously - albeit  for pocket money !

Once,my boss asked me to meet this doctor to sort out some two to three long pending complaints.In Public sector,unless the matters assumes extreme urgency (that is  top executives or any Government agency,etc  starts pounding the office about any files ),files are forgotten or better still misplaced ! Thankfully,we had some order still in the department & we located the files .Relevant notes were prepared for the doctor to peruse & reply.I carried the files to the doctor at the end of the day, that is, almost towards the closing time.By the time ,I reached the Head Office,I saw a very senior Executive entering the doctor's consulting room.

I waited on the bench outside his room.I could hear  the doctor advising the executive.I was thinking, that, I was lucky, as nobody else was waiting.Just then,I saw another  senior Manager  of our Company walking towards me.I smiled at him & wished him.He asked me," Hello ! How are you ?" He meant, that despite the management's attitude towards people like you ,how come you can smile .I replied that I was fine .He remembered my reply & hence in a few days,I was transferred to another State !

He just knocked on the door & went in .I was shocked that he had no qualms about just going in when I was waiting sorry when someone is waiting.But then to expect any such  decency from the upper crust is a fallacy & that too for a person much below their ranks in the corporate ladder is a crime !

I could hear loud exchanges of hellos from the cabin.Then there was a discussion about how Mediclaim was not being handled properly at Divisional & branch offices.This was so as one of the  relatives of the executives was denied a claim & the doctor was being ordered to settle the claim in review.Otherwise,the executives had been indifferent to all queries,suggestions on improvising claim settlement in all departments.Just goes to show how nepotism can turn you against your own employer.I was able to hear almost  everything .I had no intention to overhear   but as I was sitting so close by,there were no options left.I could not get up & go as somebody else could gain entry next.I wished, our executives could refrain from talking so openly when they knew that a junior was just outside.Or the least, they could have done was to be magnanimous & allowed me to go in first.After my work was over,they could have all discussions openly provided no one else like me was around. But since this possibility was a big improbability,they had to pursue this actuality. My wait was increasing by minutes now & I  was getting irritated as I had to rush back home to my daughter.

Then,there were  check ups done.The doctor told them that they were both in good health.This perhaps prompted the executives to tell," Lets have a drinking session one of these days ." I  was flabbergasted - I knew that many claims,& delicate issues are debated only during such sessions but this was just like the official seal  ! But thankfully,the banter ended in a few minutes after that & both the executives walked out of the cabin.I knocked on the door & let myself in.I told the doctor about the files in brief & he promised to give his replies in the forthcoming week.My work over-I walked to the bus stop to catch my bus home.

The next day,I narrated to my boss the  whole episode & requested him that he never depute me for such work.This was because I did not want to lose whatever little respect ( if any ) I had for the top management.He just smiled & left it at that.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


I have tried to draw the swastika as a base & then woven a design around.
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