I am residing at my brother's house since the last five to six years .Though I pay rent I feel obliged & burdened by that .One reason is that the rent is not based on market rate.Another is that if this house was rented out to someone else,it would have fetched my brother a handsome market rent.Moreover,my sibling may have decided to stay put in another town as he did not want to disturb my place of dwelling .I am not willing to shift as my daughter's school is conveniently located to this flat.Another reason is my deep sense of insecurity of losing friends & neighbours with whom I have got accustomed.I think at this stage in my life ( I am in my mid forties ) ,I won;t be able to start from the beginning of acquainting strangers, befriending them & them maintaining relations with them thereafter.Actually,I want to stay here & still want that I should be free from any feelings of guilt as well.I want to have the best of everything at others cost !
Any activity -physical & mental strains & stresses me no end so much so, that, I am trying to lessen my phone conversations & personal contacts.I rarely ring up my ex-colleagues,friends,relatives unless it becomes imperative.This is economical in these days of high inflation.Moreover,I am also doing my bit to save this way.This frees me somewhat from this sense of duty to my hubby since I am no longer earning now.My debt has weighed me down very much & continues to grow on a daily basis .The result is that I try to save wherever & whenever I can.I try to walk short distances & would have walked even longer ones but for the fact that my daughter would disagree to walk besides me.Moreover,I try to minimise use of power,water,food etc. But the feeling of guilt that I am only spending whatever my husband is working hard never leaves me.His assurances to lessen my thrift to live in comfort have had no effect on me.
My parents have helped me in many innumerable ways & now also when they offer to assist me,I get petrified.I feel that my acceptance of their generous offers will burden me all the more & then I have to behave in a certain way.I am not at all conscious of what I have accepted with the result that my attitude may lead to pain .They may be left wondering as to what they have done to deserve all this.
This is a feeling I get every now & then whenever anyone even offers to support me.They may be relatives,friends,acquaintances etal but I feel uncomfortable.One reason being that I may never bee able to return the favour leading to heartburn.Another, is I feel, highly indebted to such persons .Then I have to always keep that in mind that they had stood by me in my hours or days or maybe months or even years of need.This baggage is very cumbersome to carry as I age.
Moreover some will try to remind us all too often that they have helped us & how, with the minutest details.This is because, they believe, that, all whom they magnanimously aided forget easily ( if not done so already).These reminders just add to the enormity of the burden of duty towards these people.It is true, that very often, after we have fought with the people who helped us before or have some differences with such people,we very easily forget their good deeds done for us.But still,I feel ,they should refrain from reminding us -however subtle.At least,we can rest with lesser weight of obligation on our heads.
It is said, that, even strangers help us in times of need & similarly God will give us a chance to assist others.The people who helped us may not be the same to whom we may offer assistance is also said to be a fact. Maybe, that's why I have rarely favoured anyone.No,don't get me wrong-I am trying to be fair & just.I don't want anybody obliged to me for a lifetime ( their's or mine ? ) for having supported them or even offered to do so .
But for all I know,people may still feel gratuitous- for, I am doing my best, not to burden them.But God seems to have understood my predicament as I have not felt any such feelings for the Almighty .On second thoughts,maybe it was God only, in these instances ( whenever anyone supported me ) who got me to overcome so many hurdles ! Nah,not that again-please spare me your debt , my Lord !