The one question which has perplexed me for quite some time is "Why ME ?"The result is that ,I constantly harbour negative thoughts about myself & my life.
My father says that this is all a result of past karma.But then, how does one reconcile this with another thought which states that both hell & heaven are on this earth only -meaning that there will be extreme misery & everlasting joy depending on our behavior being bad & good. My mother opines, that, I am very fortunate as others have seen & undergone worse. She is right, but, I fail to appreciate my bundle of sorrows which is light as a feather compared to others who are cursed to a life of abject poverty,absolute loneliness,etc.Some are so sick that they remain bedridden for life .I am lucky, as I have, never suffered any of these & still, keep harping on my supposed miseries.
But, I persist in my view, that, fate has been unkind to me.I had to give up a job which was very comfy -being in Public Sector .Moreover,I was an officer, not a clerk.I had acquired technical qualifications so that, I get the required promotions.I was an okay officer-obedient & sincere but I had to quit .I have tried to come to terms with this, but, to no avail.
I have taken up writing but met with hardly any success.I also cook with a passion but the problem is that there is hardly anyone to appreciate the dishes.My kid is too young & fussy to eat the dishes .My hubby is travelling 24x7 & so is unable to relish any of my culinary forays.The outcome is, that, I have to taste my food & though ,they turn out to be edible ,I end up eating them for days.Moreover,I believe in zero wastage.I feel guilty of being a non - earning spouse & do my bit for saving.
I draw rangolis for my bi-weekly pujas of Ganpati & Lakshmi .I also have taken up chanting of slokas in Sanskrit,as also verses in Marathi & Hindi.This ,I feel may please the Almighty to at least turn in my direction if not bless me.But looks like my rangolis are only being tolerated by the Gods because if they expressly told me so,that would mean that I am a true devotee.I am just doing all this to fight my acute loneliness.If my act of praying , drawing rangolis conveys any form of prayaschit ,then all the more better. So far,I have drawn a blank.
I have talked to my hubby umpteen times to opt for a job wherein his touring will be minimised but he is in love with his job & won't budge.I have tried to drown myself in other housework like dusting,cleaning,sewing buttons,etc but still, I feel, the days are pretty long not only in summer but throughout the year.
My hubby suggested, that I take up some course but again my sense of economics forbids me from taking up such options.Moreover,I feel that ,once I join a course,my expectations will rise further & just end in frustration leading to depression.I already think, I am more qualified than my ex-colleagues, who are still on their jobs . I am only a home maker now.I really fail to understand any justice in this .This has made God a bitter idol for me in many instances.But then,I feel afraid, that my attitude may distance me from him all the more than ever before & I start praying once again.
I wish, that, I could feel positive about the things I have got instead of lamenting.I am in good health in my forties which is a gift bequeathed by the Almighty .Moreover,I am on attendance for my kid throughout & am delighted to see her growing up.Also,I am able to read,write,pray ,cook et al which many may not be able to do because of paucity of time & or for other reasons.
I also have developed better observational skills now, that, I am at home .I have also steadily improved my sense of appreciation of all things, however, small they are.On second thoughts,I have a feeling , that God wants me to realise all this as my prayashchit is underway.I am glad, that, I have been given a chance for atonement of my sins-past & present.This just symbolizes that all is not lost , not yet !
I have also started praying afresh as now,I pray to God to just let me undergo whatever life has in store for me .whatever be the consequences.